Dear Bossip , I’m writing in for some advice. I know you’re famous for your saying, “mind yo damn business,” which I am doing, but something is just not sitting well with me. I’ve been staying with a friend of my mothers. I call her my auntie because the length of time her and my mom have been friends. She can be cool, but over the years I’ve noticed how manipulating and conniving she is. For example, she does my taxes and the year she did my taxes she got her utilities switched over in my name without me knowing. I confronted her and got everything turned off, but that’s not why I’m writing you. My aunt had been on and off with this guy for nine years. He’s been caught cheating numerous of times so my aunt had let him do him until he was ready to come home. He even cheated with one of my friends. SMH! One day, my mom came into town. My mom lives in a different state. I stayed behind to finish college and that’s why I’m staying with my mom’s friend. My mom and I were on the Metro train on our way to Chicago when this lady started talking about this man. The man had the same name as my aunt’s boyfriend. So, my mom being the nosey one, decided to join in on the conversation. She started asking question like “Joseph” who? The lady got on at the same train stop as us so my mom knew she probably was talking about someone in town. The lady was a big blabber mouth and spilled all the tea. She gave his first and last name and a full blown description of him. My mom and I both knew she was talking about my aunt’s on and off boyfriend of nine years. The most disgusting part came afterwards. She told us that “Joseph” had been involved with her sister and that he gave her AIDS. The look on mine and my mother’s face was priceless. We were moved by those allegations. Once we left the city, and headed back up to my aunt’s home, that’s when my mom sat my aunt down and told her the news. I wasn’t in the room when my mom broke it to her, but when she walked out I could see the hurt on my aunt’s face. She waited for “Joseph” to come over to confront him. He denied the allegations quick, but my aunt told him on that following Monday that she would like to get tested with him. That Monday came and they both went. About a week or so later she went to get her results. She wanted him to go, but he was nowhere to be found. She got her results and they were positive. She called him and he said he got his results and they were negative. She asked him if he had documentation to prove his claim and he said he threw it out. Yeah right! My aunt stopped messing with him after getting her results back, but that’s not what’s bothering me. My aunt started dating this older man and he takes good care of her and her daughter. He even threw me a few bucks here and there. My aunt likes to talk to me about her private life and she told me they are not intimate, but she hadn’t disclosed her status to him. About 3 months ago they called it quits and now my aunt is messing with another guy. This guy is fresh out of jail and they seem pretty cozy together. My aunt tells me they haven’t been intimate, mind you I don’t ask for any of this information, she just willingly tells me this stuff. I know it’s a lie though. She left her diary out one day and I just happened to read the latest entry. She talked about having unprotected sex with him. I cringed when I read that because he does not know she’s positive. I’ve been minding my business and not adding input about anything, but this is wrong on so many levels. I’m not going to say anything because it’s not my place to tell, but my auntie is wrong for that. I understand what her ex did to her is unforgivable, but she’s doing the same exact thing to others. Now, I doubt that she was honest about being intimate with the older guy, and on top of that the guy has cancer and is possibly HIV positive. I don’t want to say anything, but is there any insight you could give me? I don’t want to say anything, but is there any way I could talk to my aunt without her getting mad at me for snooping? I want to be real with my aunt and let her know what she’s doing is wrong, but at the same time these man are old enough to know that once they choose to have unprotected sex with someone there is a big risk factor involved. It’s none of my business that is why I’ve been so quiet about the whole situation, but I feel like since I know the truth, as crazy as it seems, it makes be somehow involved and guilty about knowing. – Protecting The Truth Dear Ms. Protecting The Truth , What your so-called ‘aunt,’ your mom’s friend, is doing is wrong. But, please don’t mistake your loyalty to her for protecting the truth. From the beginning this woman has been manipulative and deceptive. When she did your taxes she used your name and social security number to get utilities turned on in her name. That is unforgivable. I know you are to forgive folks, but you don’t forget. She is a con artist. No matter what, she will do whatever she can to get over on others, and now she is swindling men and not being honest about her HIV status. She is vile, disgusting, and trifling. Therefore, I don’t think you should be protecting her, or her status. She is playing a dangerous game with other people’s lives. She is putting other people at risk by not revealing her status, and one of those men will come back and do some serious harm to her once they find out what she’s doing. So, I recommend you step to your aunt, confront her, and tell her that she is wrong for what she is doing. You give her an option: Either she tells the men she’s been sleeping with about her status, or you will tell them. You let her know that you love her and appreciate her for allowing you to stay with her, but you can’t hide the truth from these men because it is wrong. They deserve to know what they are getting into, even if they decide to be intimate with her and have unprotected sex. Besides, she may be telling them she is not, and not saying anything at all. I also would recommend that you get your mother involved with this, and you and your mother confront her together. You need a support system, and someone whom your “aunt” may listen to. She may feel it’s none of your business and you should stay out of it. But, your mom seems to have a close relationship with her, and she’s already confronted her before when you and she learned that your “aunt’s” previous boyfriend was HIV positive. Your mom seems to have a great way of confronting and being honest with her friend. So, call on your mother to be a support system with you, and let her know that you would like to confront her together. Also, I know you are staying with her because you are in college, and it may be saving you money, but it’s time to move. You don’t need to be in that environment. It’s toxic. She’s already used you before without your knowledge, and she is doing it again. You know her secret, and she is bringing different men in and out of HER house, and she is expecting you not to say anything, but she keeps telling you all her business with these men. Therefore, she is making you complicit by revealing her intimate details of her life. You don’t need to be hearing her personal business, and you should politely tell her that you don’t feel comfortable having these type of conversations with her about her personal sex life. Especially knowing that she is HIV positive and she is not being honest with the men. So, remove yourself from this environment to avoid being obligated to keep her secret and from being complicit in her lies. Lastly, removing yourself will relieve you of the stress and aggravation of keeping her secret. You don’t need to be worrying about her, her choices, and who she’s sleeping with. You should be focused on school, enjoying yourself, and hanging out with your friends. Your life should not be wrapped up in some older woman’s sexual exploits. And, you don’t owe her anything, especially if she is playing a dangerous game with her HIV status and not telling these men. You let her know that you will no longer sit idly by and watch her destroy other people’s lives. You love her, and you appreciate her for everything she’s done for you, but her behavior is reckless, irresponsible, and dangerous. And, that is something you can’t morally or ethically live with. – Terrance Dean Photo courtesy: Shuttershock Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
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Dear Bossip: My Aunt Isn’t Being Honest With Men & Her HIV Status
