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For the first time since becoming a first-time mother, Eva Mendes is speaking out in depth about the experience. The actress, who gave birth to a daughter named Esmeralda in mid-September, recently sat down with online publication The Violet Files and didn’t bring up the topic of her famous baby daddy, Ryan Gosling. But Mendes did speak on the overall struggles of caring for a tiny person’s life at all times.  “I’m completely exhausted,” the star said, joking: “I thought my wild nights were over but these are some of the wildest nights I’ve ever had.” Mendes said she is yet to hire a nanny because she believes “part of being a mother” is going through the “struggle of not being able to sleep and not knowing what I’m doing and really going through it with her and battling out those nights.” Fans, meanwhile, have been wondering for awhile about the origin of Esmeralda . How did Mendes and Gosling arrive at that name? “We both love the Esmeralda character from the Victor Hugo novel The Hunchback of Notre Dame and just think it’s a beautiful name,” explained. “Her middle is Amada, which was my grandmother’s name. It means ‘beloved’ in Spanish.” That’s beautiful. Aside from now acting as a parent, Mendes said she has starting to think like one. “I consider how my own actions now will seem to her later on,” she said. “For instance, with the Violet Grey photo shoot, I thought, ‘Is this something that she’s going to be proud of?’ The idea that I would ever embarrass her is really heartbreaking for me.” Why do we doubt that Kim Kardashian ever thought in such a way? Internet Reacts in Horror to #GoslingBaby 1. He’s shirtless. We’re sad. As you can tell, Mendes is having a somewhat difficult time adjusting to her new, vital role. But she knows it’s nothing compared to what her child is going through. “I’ve learned that it’s way harder to be a baby,” she quipped. “Everything is a struggle for her. For instance, I haven’t thrown up since the ‘90s and she’s thrown up twice since we started this interview. Motherhood is cake compared to what it’s like to be a baby.”

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Eva Mendes on First-Time Motherhood: It’s Exhausting!