Dear Bossip , So, I met this guy when I was on a short weekend gateway. We both happened to stay in the same hostel and clicked really quickly. He’s from Africa and was travelling around Asia countries, expecting to return home some time four months later. For sake of completion I will just mention that I’m Asian myself and live in Asia too. To cut long stories short, neither of us is denying that we have feelings for each other. We can spend hours talking in the hostel common area til the receptionist thinks we have dated for some time; that’s how good the chemistry was. But, of course, at that time, he was on his tour with two other guy friends, but even before he returns home, he has made some effort to visit me where I live, three times within four months. During that period, we were consistently in touch with each other. We exchanged so much about each other – jobs, careers, past relationships, travel experiences, life goals, etc. I find him very inspiring to me and it’s because I learned so much from the way he lives life that I have decided to quit my job as a lawyer in order to be a happy person. I do think he has made me the best version of myself, if not then at least the happiest version. Whenever we have the chance to be together, it all feels like I found where I belong – it’s homely, it’s comfortable, and I know it’s not just the sex (although yes, that too). Sadly, reality will always be harsh. He’s home been bound some two and half months ago. We’re still keeping in touch – sometimes we talk like friends, sometimes we flirt and sext each other and sometimes we get depressed because we could not share a future together (well, at least not given the current situation). Everything falls apart when I start inquiring as to whether we should make this a relationship, or should we just break the deal. This happened a month ago. We tried no contact, which really broke me within three days; we tried chatting plainly as friends, which eventually he came to admit it’s hard for him (for me too); we tried keeping minimal contact, which made me felt like he’s just purposely ignoring me. But, in the back of our minds, we know that we could not meet in the next two years as he’s going to start his training contract in order to qualify as a lawyer at home, and I know it is hard because I’ve been through the same procedure at home. Due to this, it all became a mess, because he’s made up his mind that he does not want to be in a relationship with someone that he could not see for two years. And, it’s made worse by the fact that he does not know if he wants to continue practicing as a lawyer at home (in order to live up to people’s expectations), or return to Asia for teaching (it’s his passion). I know it’s not fair and I know most guys won’t do a long distance relationship, which is a stretch of two years. As it stands now, we’ve reached the point that we don’t contact each other anymore as it causes too much emotional stir up on both of us. But, I think he deserves a place in my life. I really would like to try again after two years or whenever we have the chance to meet again. It’s just now, I’m not sure why he’s not saying anything about it. I can understand why he doesn’t want a long distance relationship, but at the same time I would very much rather be fighting together for this than to not know what he’s thinking. Do you think it’s worth it for me to keep a special place for him in my heart? I know for a fact that he will shut himself down from any relationship for about a year or so (I know this when we talked about our exes). Every time he takes it for real, so I do have some kind of advantage to roll it back in my hands. Am I just being silly, or truly fighting for something that’s worth it? – From Asia With Love Dear Ms. From Asia With Love , What are you fighting for? You and he were never in a relationship. You and he were not boyfriend and girlfriend, or long term partners. It was a hot fling that lasted a very short period of time. So, please explain to me what you are truly fighting for? (Sips tea) Let’s be clear, you’re in Asia. He is in Africa. That is not even remotely close in proximity. What type of long distance relationship do you really think will happen or occur? Chile, these women get some African d**k and go crazy! I’m sure your short weekend tourist fling with your African lover was amazing, wonderful, and he opened your eyes to some things by sharing his life with you. But, the reality is that he lives in Africa. You are in Asia. He is about to begin a two year program to become a lawyer. He will not have the time, finances, nor the energy to dedicate to you in a long distance relationship. Why fool yourself? Why even think you and he can have any type of intimate relationship for the next two years? It’s not a reality. And, you shouldn’t put your life on hold waiting on him to complete his program. What if he decides to stay in Africa, then what? He can meet another woman during that time, and you can meet another man. Why shut yourself off from the possibility of meeting someone new? Sweetie, it was a weekend filled and packed with a world wind of romance, passionate sex, and blissful lust speaking. He hooked you on that African penis and now you’re talking about you want to spend the rest of your life with him. Honey, you don’t know that much about him. You only know what he told you, and what he shared with you. I’m sure there is much more to his life than what he revealed in a weekend. And, let’s be clear, he’s only visited you three times in four months, and that is while he was in Asia. So, if he came to see you only three times in four months, then what do you think he was doing the other times he was not with you? (Sips tea) If he was really wrapped up in you and really wanted to make it work and he was madly in love with you as you are with him, then don’t you think he would have spent more time with you in those four months? Girl, he only saw you once a month, and one month he didn’t see you at all! D**k is a dangerous drug. And, he got you with that ole’ African d**k. I’m sure he inspired you, and gave you some great wisdom about life, but to up and quit your career as a lawyer is a bit rash. Don’t you find it ironic that, although he was in Asia to teach, but he is back in Africa to become a lawyer. If he was so unhappy and didn’t want to pursue a career as a lawyer, then why go through with the program? Why not stay and teach in Asia, or why not teach in Africa? So, don’t be fooled or too quick to stop your career and pursue your passions, well, not until you have well thought out and devised plan. Why quit your career and you have not fully thought it through, nor have you saved enough money to last you a few months while you pursue your passion? Long story, short: Don’t put your life on hold, or disrupt your life for a man. If he is not willing to disrupt his life or put his life on hold for you, then don’t you bend over backwards, or stop what you’re doing to follow him. Don’t wait on a man if he is not willing to wait on you. And, he’s told you that he is not willing to commit to a long distance relationship, and he is not willing to hold out for two years for you. He’s not making any promises or guarantees that you and he will be together. He is going on with his life, and so should you. And, notice that it’s you who is pursuing him. I bet you are the one doing all the calling, texting, and everything else. He is not chasing after you. Never, ever chase after a man. It was a great time, with great sex, and great conversation. Keep that memory, but soon it will fade. Soon he will be a faded memory of a hot and steamy romance which you had for a short while. Get back into the dating pool and I’m sure you’ll meet another wonderful, smart, inspiring, loving, and caring man who will sweep you off your feet. Just make sure he is local and not from another country or continent. – Terrance Dean Photo source: Shuttershock Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
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Dear Bossip: I’m In Asia, He’s In Africa – Can A Relationship Work?
