Tag Archives: new-secretary

Gwyneth Paltrow Found You a $15K Vibrator. You’re Welcome.

If there’s anyone less qualified to offer you sex toys than the world’s WASP-iest woman, then I implore that person to step forward. Gwyneth Paltrow imagines she’s doing the Lord’s work by offering her readers high-end sex toys , edited neatly on her pretentious lifestyle site that I hate/love, GOOP. Your regular, hum-drum “goody draw” needs an upgrade.  Like, coach-to-first-class-and-you-pay-the-difference upgrade. The lube you’re using has parabens, and those condoms may have prevented several unwanted pregnancies and STDs, but are they “vegan, paraben-free, glycerin-free, Nonoxynal-9-free, and benzocaine- and lidocaine-free?” I think not! Thanks to a particular scene from Netflix’s Grace & Frankie , we’re now aware that drugstore lubricants are dangerous. “We’d never considered what went into lube, and that it’s actually super toxic (the most popular options contain parabens, for one) and that we are in theory putting it into the most vulnerable and permeable parts of our bodies,” GOOP pointed out. “So, maybe Frankie was onto something when she called her yam-lube invention ‘a big moment in the history of the vagina.’” Now you’ve got us all paranoid about our nether regions, Gwynnie. View Slideshow: 9 Really Weird Places These Celebrities Have Had Sex If you’re worried about your genitals falling off as a result of toxic lube and want to give them a final hurrah they soon won’t forget, might GOOP interest you in Lelo Inez’s 24k gold vibrator? It was designed “for those who understand that you can’t put a price on pleasure,” so surely you’re ok with dropping $15,000. For those of you who are too poor for such luxury, might GOOP interest you in the stainless steel version ($7,900)? If you were deciding between that dress at Neiman Marcus or a “black and gold cat whip by Agent Provocateur,”ask yourself which one who kiss you goodnight. Neither! Any way you slice it, you’re spending $535 on something you will probably get only one use out of. If you’re feeling sexy-on-a-budget, GOOP suggests the $399 Tiani vibrating couples’ massager. Why?  because it features a “ring of 24k gold laser-engraved with a unique serial number and a new dual-motor design for more power than ever before.” how laser-engraved serial numbers have anything to do with sex is beyond me. Then again, this article comes straight from GOOP. View Slideshow: 20 Douchiest Gwyneth Paltrow Quotes in Human History

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Gwyneth Paltrow Found You a $15K Vibrator. You’re Welcome.

This Guy Underwent 23 Surgeries to Look Like Superman

Move over, human Barbie . Take a seat, human Ken . It's time to meet human Superman. His name is Herbert Chavez, he grew up in poverty in the Philippines… and he has spent tons of money to look like the Man of Steel, having undergone 23 plastic surgeries with this goal in mind. It's a bird down below. It's a plane. In actuality, it's a guy who likely has a few mental issues unfortunately. 1. Back in the Day… Chavez’s 23 surgeries have spanned nearly 18 years. It’s a lifelong hobby. This photo was snapped back in 2013, prior to him truly taking a few final steps on his journey to Superman. 2. An Appearace on Botched Chavez sought the assistance of the doctors on Botched for his cause. They were only too happy to oblige, of course. 3. He’s Had His Skin Whitened Because every actor who has played Superman has been white. 4. He’s Had Multiple Nose Jobs You can see the changes, right? 5. He’s Had Liposuction The Man of Steel applies to the superhero’s strength… and abs, of course. 6. He’s Had Jaw Realignment We didn’t even know that was really a thing. View Slideshow

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This Guy Underwent 23 Surgeries to Look Like Superman

Orange is the New Black Trailer: New Blood, New Rules

Are you ready for a return to prison? The furlough is almost over on Netflix. Orange is the New Black will return for its fourth season on June 17, with all 13 episodes of the comedy dropping at once. Netflix style. In the first extended trailer for all the action and humor and drama to come, we see Piper saying how she's more afraid than she's ever been before. This likely has something to do with the fact that Litchfield is now a for-profit business, which means over 100 new inmates will be coming on board. As for Taystee? She appears to be Caputo's new secretary, though she's having some trouble on the job. The preview also gives us a look at the new, violent guards… along with Blair Brown as Judy King. She will be a full-time cast member in the role of a Martha Stewart-type of character who is stuck behind bars. Lolly will apparently have some business at the shed, while Alex will have a big secret she needs to tell Red. Why is Gloria hanging around a guard? Why is Suszanne in the infirmary? Is Sophia still in SHU? We have so many questions. And we can't wait to get the answers when  Orange is the New Black Season 4 returns on Friday, June 17.

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Orange is the New Black Trailer: New Blood, New Rules

Orange is the New Black Trailer: New Blood, New Rules

Are you ready for a return to prison? The furlough is almost over on Netflix. Orange is the New Black will return for its fourth season on June 17, with all 13 episodes of the comedy dropping at once. Netflix style. In the first extended trailer for all the action and humor and drama to come, we see Piper saying how she's more afraid than she's ever been before. This likely has something to do with the fact that Litchfield is now a for-profit business, which means over 100 new inmates will be coming on board. As for Taystee? She appears to be Caputo's new secretary, though she's having some trouble on the job. The preview also gives us a look at the new, violent guards… along with Blair Brown as Judy King. She will be a full-time cast member in the role of a Martha Stewart-type of character who is stuck behind bars. Lolly will apparently have some business at the shed, while Alex will have a big secret she needs to tell Red. Why is Gloria hanging around a guard? Why is Suszanne in the infirmary? Is Sophia still in SHU? We have so many questions. And we can't wait to get the answers when  Orange is the New Black Season 4 returns on Friday, June 17.

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Orange is the New Black Trailer: New Blood, New Rules