Dear Bossip , I am writing to you because I’d like a male’s prospective on this situation. There’s a guy who has been in my life for about a year now, but of course we are just friends. My issue is we fight and bicker like we are a couple and when I put my foot down to let him know that I will not waste my time and energy on someone who is just a friend he gets mad. For awhile, I’d ignore his calls, texts, and everything just because he was becoming so overbearing and demanding. He’s always asking me for rides, to feed him, etc. I got to the point where I was so fed up by him and his constant needs/demands that I stopped altogether. Then, I was being called all kinds of “B” words, and he called fake on numerous occasions. So, I completely stopped talking to him. But he wouldn’t go away, at all. He’d call a few weeks later unmoved like nothing ever happened. Yet, I’m still upset and want my apology. I know I should just leave him alone completely, but it’s hard when he won’t leave me alone. I ask him what he wants from me, and he states I just need a friend, but I feel if you want me in your life as a friend or anyone for that matter he needs to quit blaming the world for his problems and thinking everyone owes him something. Fast forward to now, in this year I’ve seen how much he’s grown as a person. He still lacks affection and has anger issues (I think a serious mental instability at times), but that stems from most likely not receiving that as a youngster. I guess my point is does he have feelings for me deep down, or am I completely wasting my time hoping that they are there? After all, on several occasions he has told me how much I mean to him and that I give him motivation, and that when he’s drunk he sometimes professes his feelings for me as well. I don’t press him about a relationship. I simply try to hold him accountable for his actions. I know the worst part for me is that I’ve grown to care for him and just want to see him succeed and tell him all the time. He’ll call me up and ask if we can go get coffee, or if he can come over, but I feel like if you just want to see me then say that then. I’m sorry my thoughts are all over the place, but that’s how I feel. It’s hot and cold. I just want to know what it means, since I can’t get an answer out of him and my life is by no means on hold for him. I am dating, but like I said he’s that thorn in my side that won’t go away and it’s kind of hard to explain to a guy why some other guy is blowing your phone up like crazy when you’re just friends. I’d really appreciate your feedback. – Confused Lady Dear Ms. Confused Lady , How much does he pay you for your services? (Sips tea) How much money do you collect after his phone calls, rants, and the motivational talks you give him? (Sips tea) How much time and energy are you exerting in diagnosing him and his problems, and what he needs to do to fix his life? (Sips tea) Oh, my bad, you don’t collect any money for your services from him? You’re not licensed to treat him or to sit and listen to him while he bishes, moan, and rant about his life. I thought you were a paid therapist. A psychotherapist. His psychiatrist. I thought you were his counselor. Girl, please stop this charade talking about he’s your friend. He is not your friend. I will repeat in big bold letters: HE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND . SMDH! I don’t understand how some of you women will fool and even lie to yourself about these babies, grown men boys whom you let in your life and you’re trying to fix them, console them, nurture them, and be their mother, therapist, friend, and girlfriend. Yeah, I know you’re not his girlfriend so stop acting like one. He is an emotional and mental vampire sucking the life of out of you and taking your kindness as a weakness. He plays on your vulnerability with him, and he knows he is manipulating you. STOP PLAYING THIS GAME WITH HIM AND GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP. HE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND. Notice that he only calls when he wants something. He only needs you when it’s convenient for him, or something happens in his life. He uses you to dump all his problems on. He dumps and dumps and dumps on you and your dumba** is sitting there taking it. And, do you notice that after he finishes taking his dumps on you that you are the one who is left depleted? You are the one who is left feeling angry, sad, upset, and mad. HE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND. By the way, this is another way of saying, “He’-ishing on you.” And, why would you want to consider being in a relationship with someone who is A.) Verbally abusive. He curses you out and calls you all types of Bishes, and tells you how fake you are, however, you really think deep down that he is harboring some intimate feelings for you. Hmmm, okay. So, a man can call you out of your name, treat you like some random stranger and berate and demean you and you interpret that as he must likes you and wants to be with you. SMDH! Girl, you are glutton for punishment. B.) He is a drunk, and he is immature. He can only express him under the influence of alcohol. Now, explain to me what is so attractive about this behavior, and why you find it enticing and stimulating. (I’ll wait). C.) He only calls you when he wants something, or to complain about his life. I’m sorry, but what part of friendship is this? What part of this relationship, which is one way by the way, and he continues to use you, take advantage of you, and he wants you to cook for him, drive him places, or he comes to your house and sit up and utilize your –ish while he dumps his entire life in your lap and he wants you to put the pieces together. Again, what type of friendship is this? Ohhh, but I get it. You like the attention. You like the drama. You like this type of stress in your life because if you didn’t have any of it in your life then what would you do? If you didn’t have him hounding you, acting out like a baby, and you drop everything and run to him trying to save him then you wouldn’t feel complete. You wouldn’t feel adequate, or needed. So, while you claim you’re dating other guys, and he is blowing up your phone, and you have to explain to your male companion how this guy won’t leave you alone, and how he needs you, but you can’t seem to shake him, you think it makes you look like this amazing and strong got-it-together woman who is truly a friend, a supporter, and a great catch. UHM, NOT!!! It makes you look like a dumpster, and someone who doesn’t know boundaries, and a woman who is desperate for attention. He is a child. A baby. A little boy. Stop trying to nurture him, care for him, and fix him. He is not your project. He is not your son. He is not your child. He is not your boyfriend. HE IS NOT YOUR MAN. If you want him out of your life, then completely end it and stop this damn game and bull-ish talking about he won’t stop harassing you. Delete and block. Delete and block. You have those features on your phone. And, you can delete and block him from all of your social media. He can’t access you unless you let him. If you wouldn’t take his calls or texts, or return his messages, pleas, and cries, then he wouldn’t have access to you. If you wouldn’t be so available, then he wouldn’t have access to you. He doesn’t need you. He doesn’t want you. He doesn’t desire you. He is using you as a soundboard to complain and bish about his life, and you allow him. Honey, if you stop and you truly dismiss him out of your life, trust me, he will find someone else to do this to. But, you won’t because you like the attention, drama, stress, and aggravation. You enjoy this game, and this false sense of reality that he desires you and wants you. So, if you want a drunk, a grown man/boy who is childish, who doesn’t have his life together, is a user, a moocher, a complainer, a whiner, and doesn’t value you, your time, your space, your life, and who you are, then, yes express your desire to be with him and have a relationship. Stress yourself the hell out and watch him continue to use, take, and abuse you, and once he’s had enough of you, and you’re dried up, looking old, overweight, stressed, hair falling out, and your money is deplete, he will move on and find another victim. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
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Dear Bossip: We’re Friends, I Think He Wants More, Yet He Won’t Say It
