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Last month, Duane Chapman honored his late wife with  a heartfelt birthday tribute . Beth would have been 52. But on the Dog’s Most Wanted season finale, Duane’s pain was even more fresh and raw. He even confessed to experiencing suicidal ideation out of his desire to join his beloved in death. “I’m so glad I had her the little time that I did,” Duane “Dog The Bounty Hunter” Chapman confessed to the cameras. His wife, Beth Chapman, had died after a lengthy battle with cancer, but Duane was not ready to let her go. “I’m only been alone as I showered and I had to run out of there without a towel,” he confessed. Duane said that he had done so “because I can’t be alone right now.” He explains that spending time alone with his thoughts leads to some pretty horrifying impulses. “That’s when I start thinking about things,” Duane confesses. “And I start to take a nap,” he adds, referring to another instance in which the reality of Beth’s passing strikes him. “And I reached over to touch something,” Duane describes. “And it was the freakin’ dog.” “I don’t realize yet psychologically that she’s gone and I’ll never ever see her,” Duane admits. He emphasizes that he hasn’t fully processed the loss, saying: “I don’t realize that.” “I just hope I don’t live very much longer without her,” Duane confessed. Oh no. “Because now she made the first step, she’s through the gate,” he says. “She’s paved the way for me.” This is where Duane reveals the exact form of his intrusive thoughts and harmful impulses. “I want to take a goddamn pain pill so bad,” Duane says. “I feel like if I did something to myself right now, and passed away, suicidal,” he adds. Duane continues: “I’d go up to heaven and be like ‘Hi honey,’ and would go, ‘you dumbass why did you do that?’ or would she go ‘wow, you’re here.'” The bounty hunter and reality star continues, clearly feeling conflicted between his love of life and his love for his departed wife. “So am I obligated to do that?” Duane asks, feeling hopeless. There is one piece of good news about his harrowing confession. Within the episode, a family friend reveals that they moved prescription pills to a place where he cannot easily find or access them. Suicidal ideation can be the result of clinical depression, but that is not the only instance in which it arises. Situational depression — that is, when a person has a “reason” to feel hopeless — can lead to suicidal impulses as a response to stress. While clinical depression is treated with long-term medication and therapy, situational depression can require the same treatments for a shorter time. In the mean time, the family friend did exactly the right thing by moving an immediate danger out of Duane’s reach. The good news is that this episode was filmed months ago, and Duane has had this time to cope. He has the support of family and friends, who can spend time with him and keep him occupied with thoughts beyond grief and loss. It is not uncommon for those who believe in some sort of afterlife to feel the urge to join their dearly departed loved one. We hope that Duane continues to cope, emotionally and mentally, with Beth’s passing. View Slideshow: Celebrities Who Died in 2019: In Memoriam

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Duane Chapman Admits to Suicidal Impulses After Wife’s Passing