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Dear Bossip: In The Beginning I Held Him Down, Now He Can’t Seem To Hold Me Down

Dear Bossip , I am a 27 year old woman who went back to school over 3 years ago to start a second career as a registered nurse. My boyfriend and I, of almost 7 years, have a 2 year old son together. All of my life I have been extremely independent. I moved out of my mother’s house when I was 19 and have been taking care of my own since then. When we first got together, my boyfriend wasn’t very stable in life. I did all I could in my power to help build him into a man (working steadily, getting him to help his parents with bills, etc.). It was hard work, but I slowly started to see improvement. When I first started school, I had to cut down on my work hours so I could focus on my studies. My boyfriend ended up being the one paying for most of our bills. Not too long after I started school I became pregnant. Luckily, my family is an amazing support system and helps a ton with the baby. But, later in my pregnancy I began having complications and couldn’t work anymore. Also, I was approaching the last semester of school and was advised by my dean that I should not work if possible to focus on school and passing my licensing exam at the end of the semester. Well, during all of this, my boyfriend makes me feel like the biggest bum on the planet. We have a lot of stress over finances and he constantly tells me I do nothing and that it isn’t fair to him that he works ridiculous hours. Now, I feel terrible. I know he works like a dog and all, but I think it’s “F’d” up of him to belittle me when since the beginning of our relationship I’ve been the provider and the stable one. For the first time in a long time in my life I’m relying on someone else to hold me down while I try to better myself for the sake of my family. At times, I feel trapped and depressed because I feel like my son and I deserve better in life. He knew what the situation was when I started school and got pregnant. We both knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I felt like we had a partnership and it would be okay in the end. Now, I don’t even know if I want him to share in my success. Is that messed up? In the bottom of my heart I think I want things to work, but I feel like the disrespect has been too frequent and too far. I don’t want my son to witness that, but at the same time I don’t want him to grow up without a father present in his life. – Nurse My Soul Dear Ms. Nurse My Soul , One of the main reasons relationships end, and marriages end in divorce is because of money issues and finances. Money woes ends relationships. You and boyfriend have been together for 7 years with no marriage, and no progress forward other than playing house, and acting like a married couple. You spend years rebuilding him, and transforming him into the man you want him to be – Again, here we are with another woman changing a man into what she desires and what she wants, and in the end he turns the tables on you. You get him to change his ways, do everything you want him to do, and when they become that man, the better man, he soon forgets all the investment you did. And, because there is no obligation to you, he can simply walk away, with no thanks, and move on to another woman who will thank you for cleaning him up, building him up, and transforming him. But, I digress. You do all this work in changing him, and then decide to move in together, and have a child. All the while, you want to better yourself, and go back to school and improve your situation. And, while you’re doing all this for yourself and for him you are the one who is footing the bills, taking care of the finances, the house, the bills, and all the economics. SMDH! Now, because you are unable to work due to the pregnancy, then, have his baby, and now it’s his turn to take care of the finances and to support your dream, it is a problem. He can’t and doesn’t seem to be able to function and work the enormous hours to keep you afloat, and he doesn’t see why he should bear the burden of being the sole money-earner in the household. Well, this is what you created, and now you get to see a side of the same man you helped to build and transform turn on you. How does that feel? Well, I guess you are feeling it because you say that you are depressed, upset, hurt, angry, and reconsidering your relationship, as you should. You want to know why does he belittle you, make you feel bad, and isn’t supportive, or even consider the fact that you held him down in the beginning, and seems to have selective memory about all you’ve done for him. Well, it’s because he doesn’t care, he’s insensitive, inconsiderate, and a jerk. He can’t see the future or what’s ahead of him because he has limited insight, vision, and depth. Notice that it was you who helped him to transform into the man he is today. He couldn’t see that far ahead himself. So, if he can’t see the future for himself, then how can you expect him to see a future for you, him, and your son? He hasn’t had the foresight to even marry you after seven years of being together. Honey, wake up and see this for what it is – a failed relationship. Your investment has now reneged on you, and you can’t even get a return on it. It’s time you start thinking about you and your child. It’s time that you get back on your feet, get yourself a job, build yourself a nice savings, and find yourself an apartment for you and your child. This relationship has run its course. If your man can’t handle this, or support you now, then how can he support you in the future? He holds resentment toward you, and he resents that you are making him take on all the bills while he assumes you’re laying up at home only taking care of your child, and not contributing to the household finances. He feels you are taking his money out of his pocket, leaving him with little for himself, and he probably feels he is working all these hours only to get nothing in return. Therefore, he doesn’t see a future with you. He doesn’t see why he needs to invest in you and his child, and the future that you want to have. You and he are not on the same page. Therefore, get yourself together, and start rethinking how you can do for you and your son as a single parent. Get your career, and spend some time building yourself, loving yourself, and investing in yourself. It’s time to do for you. You’ve done for your man and poured into him, so, now it’s time to pour into yourself. Trust me, he will regret this down the road, especially when you are gone, out of his life, and you put him on child support. Yes, put him on child support, and let him continue to be responsible for his child. He can be part of his child’s life, and you can work out arrangements for joint custody, or visitation. You don’t have to be bitter about this situation, just smarter and wiser. Be better for yourself and your child. Be better because you deserve better. And, finally, you can have the peace of mind, happiness, and joy you deserve and need. Why be in a miserable relationship that causes you to be depressed, or with a man who makes you feel un-needed, unwanted, and a burden? – Terrance Dean ***(Attention all media/news outlets, if you use this story and letter, or any parts of this content for your outlets you must give credit to this site, the columnist, and his advice)*** Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? S hare your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:   @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria    Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE!        

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Dear Bossip: In The Beginning I Held Him Down, Now He Can’t Seem To Hold Me Down

Shaun King Gets Dragged Off Twitter

Shaun King Got Dragged Off Of Twitter Shaun King’s role in the Black Lives Matter movement has been an interesting point of contention to say the least. While his role in reporting the unjust murders of Black men and women across the country has been invaluable, his other work has been questioned from the very beginning. There were numerous incidences of him allegedly asking for money for various causes – Tamir Rice, Bree Newsome, etc. – and stories coming out that the cash didn’t go where he said it would. Then there’s the story of Justice Together – and organization headed by King that fell apart under speculation of more money mismanagement. Things came to a head Sunday night when King sent out this tweet aimed at Deray and Netta in defense of his own practices of sharing videos without trigger warnings beforehand. The tweet was messy and disappointing and ended up with people finally coming for him for receipts and his “shady” maneuvers in the past. Take a look. No matter what ends up happenings, we hope King keeps reporting on the injustices we face every day as it’s incredibly important work. Still, this was not a good look for him.

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Shaun King Gets Dragged Off Twitter

Dear Bossip: My Husband Was Sexting A Co-Worker, So I’m Taking A Break

Dear Bossip , My husband and I have been together for almost 14 years. He’s 32 and I’m 30 years old. Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve noticed that he was always on his phone. So, a few days ago, he went to the store with a friend of his, and he left his phone, and it was unlocked. I took the chance to look through his phone, and what I found were messages between him and a co-worker of his in his DM box on Instagram. He was telling her how sexy she was, talking about make-up, sex, and just a number of sexually explicit things that he’s only supposed to say to me. Also, she showed him a video of herself dancing naked. I was soooo hurt by this, and what made it worse is that he would always talk negatively about her to me, but secretly he was talking to her on an intimate level and flirting with her while they were at work. Also, he proclaimed to be friends with her boyfriend, who also works with them. Now, let me remind you, she knows about me, yet they both continued on with this. I confronted him with pics of the messages that I took from my phone. He immediately said that it was only flirting and nothing more. I wanted to confront her as well, but I thought about her boyfriend. I thought about him feeling the same way I did so I changed my mind. Now, my husband is on his apology and sympathy tour because I told him I’m taking a break from our marriage to see if it’s what I really want. We have 2 small children together and I know that whatever decision I make is going to affect them. My trust for him is gone, and I honestly don’t know what he can do to gain my trust back. He’s been trying, but I still think about all of the things that were said between them. My question is am I being overly dramatic by leaving him or should I forgive him? – Ms. About To Cut Him Loose Dear Ms. About To Cut Him Loose , No, you are not being overly dramatic by leaving him. Your husband has been carrying on some type of inappropriate “relationship” with a co-worker, sending messages, telling her how sexy she is, and talking sexually explicit things with her, and, then she sent him a video of herself dancing naked. Ma’am, if they haven’t had sex, then they are plotting on doing it. Besides, you should have checked to see if he sent her some videos and photos of himself naked. I’m sure he has. Your husband has been cheating. He’s having an emotional affair with another woman. And, I say an emotional affair only because I’m assuming they haven’t done anything yet, so it’s not physical. Thus, they are emotionally involved. He’s already made a decision in his head to move forward and cheat on you. He’s having illicit conversations with his co-worker. He’s emotionally invested in her and the idea of sleeping with her. He’s telling her things that he would with her and these are things he should be telling you. And, lawd knows how long this has been going on. And, I don’t suspect she is the only woman. I’m sure he’s done this before with another woman, or women. So, it’s time to get to the bottom of all this. You and your husband need to have a serious conversation. Ask him how long has he been thinking of cheating on you, and why. Ask him what happened in your marriage that he feels the need to step outside of it and seek something else from another woman. Is he unhappy, unsatisfied, or miserable? Does he no longer find you attractive, or sexually enticing? What is it that he wants and need if your marriage is suffering? Did you know your marriage was suffering? Did you know he was unhappy? Then, you ask him what he was planning on doing, and if it was going to be a one time thing, or a long term thing. Ask him if he’s done this before. You have to be prepared for all the answers, and what he tells you. The truth may be harder to swallow, but you need to get everything out in the open. Don’t let him off, and he needs to be thoroughly honest with you. Also, he may throw it up that you had no right going through his phone. And, you had no right going through his phone. There have to be some trust, and some level of respect for one another in a marriage. But, where do you draw the line in your marriage over privacy? What limits do you have when you suspect something is not right, and your husband is doing things out of the norm? He brought the suspicion on himself by doing something out of routine, such as being on his phone all the time. Hiding things, doing things he shouldn’t, and looking guilty while doing it. Your instincts kicked in, and you knew something was not right. Don’t feel bad and don’t feel guilty for taking a break from your marriage. Your husband is on his sympathy and apology tour only because he got caught. Trust and believe if you had not said anything he would be proceeding with his plans to cheat. Thus, take the time to think about what it is you really need and want from him. Do you want to remain married? You say that your trust is gone for him, and if you have no trust in your relationship or marriage, then what do you have? You will always wonder, worry, and be concerned when he’s at work with the woman he’s planning on cheating with. He spends 8 hours a day with her. He’s spending equal amount of time with her that he is with you. And, lawd knows what happens when he is hanging out with his friends, or doing things without you. You’ll always wonder if he’s seeing someone else. Then, if you don’t know what he can do to gain your trust back, then don’t rush and come to some agreement or some resolve if you’re not sure just yet. You’re hurt, in pain, upset, angry, sad, and a host of emotions right now. Don’t make any decisions because you’re emotionally and mentally a wreck. Also, consider marriage counseling. Having a mediator to help you and your husband work through this will provide you with some insights into what he was planning, and why he was doing it. Hopefully in marriage counseling he will be forthright and honest with his feelings and the underlying issue he is not sharing with you. There is something deeper at the core, and he is just not telling you what it is. Regardless, stepping outside of your marriage is not a way to resolve your issues. He should have come to you first, and you and he could have worked it out, discussed it, and handled it together. I hope you take all the time you need to get the answers you need, and to find a way to get back to your happy, joy, and love. Also, take the time to heal from this. I know you are hurting and it is difficult to discover that your mate is cheating. It’s a huge blow to you as a woman, especially when you’ve been married for nearly 14 years. Talk with your husband today, and get into marriage counseling. And, continue with the break for as long as you need it. – Terrance Dean ***(Attention all media/news outlets, if you use this story and letter, or any parts of this content for your outlets you must give credit to this site, the columnist, and his advice)*** Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? S hare your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:   @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria    Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE!      

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Dear Bossip: My Husband Was Sexting A Co-Worker, So I’m Taking A Break

Dear Bossip: His Mother Doesn’t Want To Meet Me & She Hangs Out With His Ex

Dear Bossip , We have been together for a little over a year, but his mother still doesn’t want to meet me. He had an ex of 5 years, and she became best friends with his mom. After they broke up, the ex still calls her, has lunch with her, goes out with her and invites her to trips. When we started seeing each other I asked him to meet his mother. So, he tried to set up lunch or dinner between the three of us so she could get to know me. But, she refused to go. She told him that the reason she didn’t want to meet me was because she did not approve of the fact that he was already dating and that he had not waited an appropriate length of time before seeing other people (according to her, he shouldn’t date for at least a year out of respect for the ex). She said he was hurting his ex for no reason by dating me. To sum up, she told him that she respected his choice (of dating me), but didn’t agree with what he was doing, so she wanted nothing to do with me. I let it go at that point, because things were getting tense and I didn’t want to meet someone who already hated me without even knowing me. To make things worse, she even told him not to bring me home without notice, either he comes alone or she won’t receive anyone in her house (Just to be clear, my boyfriend doesn’t live with her, since he split up with his ex he lives with his dad, so he visits his mother once over the weekend). It’s already been more than a year since we got together. And, his mother is still friends with the ex. They go to church together, have lunch, and his mother still invites him to join them for lunch (knowing we are together), but he refuses. He told me that, in the beginning, whenever he told her anything about me she snapped and didn’t want to listen to him, hear my name, or any comment regarding me. So, he couldn’t tell her anything about us, what we did, where we went or anything related to us. Recently, he’s told me that she isn’t reacting as badly as before. He gets to make comments that involve me without her snapping and yelling about how much of a horrible person I am. But, it only gets to be a very short conversation because she doesn’t show much interest. – What should I do? Should I just expect to never meet her? – His Mom Doesn’t Like Me Dear Ms. His Mom Doesn’t Like Me , His mother is never going to like you. And, instead of trying to win her over, and get her approval, just let it go that you will probably never meet her, and if you do she still will not like you or approve of your relationship. Therefore, as much as I understand you want to meet his mother, and you want to develop some type of relationship with her, be the bigger person, and don’t force the issue. Besides, she’s being silly and immature. And, why is she hanging out with his ex? They are going to church, having lunch dates, and going on trips together. Hell, maybe they are dating! And, in all honesty, I don’t see why you are in a relationship with him. He’s a momma’s boy. He’s a grown ass man still seeking his mother’s approval of his girlfriends. He is so busy trying to get her to like you that he is letting her run his life, and relationships. And, she is running your relationship. He can’t bring you to her home. She doesn’t want to have lunch or dinner with you. He can’t talk about you or your relationship with her because she gets upset and angry at the mention of your name. SHE IS DICTATING HIM AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP! Why are you with him? Another thing, how old are you and he? You sound like you’re teenagers. He lives with his father, and he’s still afraid of his mother? He ran from his mother’s house and to his father’s house? You’re dating someone who is dependent on his parents? He has no backbone to stand up to his mother, and he will never be man enough for you because he’s still a boy letting his mother tell him what to do, how to do it, and when to do it. How the hell can his mother fix her mouth to tell him that he is hurting his ex by dating you? HUH?!? And, then she said told him that he had not waited an appropriate amount of time before dating someone else! According to her he was supposed to wait at least a year. Girl, kick him and his momma to the curb. He isn’t a man. He’s a boy. He’s still wet behind the ears. His momma is deciding for him who he can and cannot date. She is hanging out with his ex with the hopes of getting them back together. She has too much say in his life, and she has way too much control over him. You don’t want to be in a relationship with someone and their mother is too much in their business, relationships, and life. You will find yourself competing with her for his time, love, attention, and affection. And, trust, he will always choose his mother. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if he is dating you just to spite his mother. I wouldn’t recommend you staying in this relationship. It is unhealthy, and creepy. What grown ass woman hangs out with her son’s ex going on lunch dates, church, and other outings? She has a serious problem, and you’ll be better off dumping him and not getting caught up in their weird relationship. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? S hare your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:   @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria    Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE!      

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Dear Bossip: His Mother Doesn’t Want To Meet Me & She Hangs Out With His Ex

Redefining Remix: WERC-Crew & India Shawn Put A Melodic Twist On Our Favorite Songs

RE-WERC is a compilation of 2015 favorites covered by India Shawn and the WERC-Crew.  It includes songs like Drizzy Drake’s “Jungle” from If You’re Reading This It’s Too Late and popular summer jam “White Iverson” by Post Malone.  Hate It Or Love It?! Drop a comment and let us know!

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Redefining Remix: WERC-Crew & India Shawn Put A Melodic Twist On Our Favorite Songs

Dear Bossip: I Don’t Want To Get Married, But He’s Planning A Wedding

Dear Bossip , I have been in a relationship since I was 16 years old. I married my first husband at 17 and had our first and second child. He was in the military, and, a bit older than I, but he died in 2003 leaving me with a 2 year old and a 6 year old. I moved to a state I had never even visited. In 2004, I began dating a friend of mine, we will call him “Don.” Don knew that I never wanted to get married again nor did I want more children. We became best friends and we began a relationship. During our relationship he asked me to marry him and I declined. Year 5 I became pregnant with our twins, which, yes, gives me a total of 4 children. All of these years Don has helped my raise my 2 older children, and since the twins are his only kids, and we love each other, we bought a home together.  He is a great father to all my children and he doesn’t separate them or show differences. My oldest is the only girl and she thinks Don basically walks on water and can do no wrong. Don is loving, caring, and everything a woman can want in a man. I love him and don’t ever want to live without him. I don’t deal with anything like other women complain about such as cheating, baby mama drama, etc. So, why am I writing you? Don has had this ring for a while that I found when I was doing something I wasn’t supposed to be doing. (Since your readers are very judgmental, I bought a pretty pink gun that was too expensive and I was hiding it in the back of our gun safe.)  I panicked when I saw the ring and I asked my closest friends (all male and family) what should I do. Everyone that I asked told me that if he asks me again and I don’t say yes our relationship will be over. So, he asked me after Valentine’s Day (I hate Valentine’s Day). I didn’t say yes or no at first, but he was taking it really hard so I said yes. I don’t wear the ring much, but it is very pretty. He wants to get married next year. He’s hired a wedding planner, paid for the church and reception, and he is being really great. He stops people when he sees I am getting uncomfortable by questions and details. And, he tells me all I have to do is get my dress and show up. It really means allot to him, but my problem is I don’t want to get married. We have a great life, more than most married people, we are still best friends and I love everything about him. I think he knows I don’t want to get married, but not the reason why. Here’s the thing: A few years ago we were drinking with friends and he was very drunk. I tried to get him to leave and we started arguing. In the argument he said he didn’t love me. I don’t know why he said it. I was crushed and I don’t think I’m over it. I am not an emotional person so people can’t tell when I am hurt. Although, this happened years ago, I have read your advice enough to know that when people tell you something then believe them. I don’t like excuses but he says he doesn’t remember saying this, and his grandmother had just died, hence the getting drunk. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but do I have to get married to do it? Am I really just an idiot? – Don’t Want To Get Married Dear Ms. Don’t Want To Get Married , You two have a serious communication problem, and you don’t respect one another. You ignore each other’s requests because both of you are going to do what you want to do regardless of what the other person wants. Thus, he is forcing you to marry him because he doesn’t care what you want. He wants what he wants. But, let’s back up for a minute. You met this guy and told him that you didn’t want to get married or have any more children. Yet, you get pregnant by him, have his children, and decide to buy a house together. Sweetie, you obviously didn’t listen to yourself, and follow your own words. If you didn’t want to have any more children, then why did you have his twins? Why not use protection, and not have unprotected sex? Why did you have more children, out of wedlock, and then buy a house together? You explicitly said no more children and no marriage. So, you reneged on your own word. And, you should have known that if you bought a house together, and you want to play family that eventually he would want to get married, especially if he asked you previously to marry him. He wasn’t going to drop the issue, so you fooled yourself into believing it was over. He wants to be married, and he is making you do it regardless of your wishes. That’s problematic. If you and he would have had a serious conversation about marriage, and you would have listened to one another, then you wouldn’t be in this predicament now. You would have known this relationship would not work out because you two want different things. It would have been much easier to walk away before you had more children, and bought a house together. Thus, it leads me to believe that you don’t follow your own rules or being a person of your word. And, neither does he. Once you had his children, he probably felt he can change your mind. So, instead of asking you or hearing your wishes, he does what he wants, and he does it according to his plan. He is going to marry you and you are going to go along with the plan. Just like you had his children. He bought a ring knowing you don’t want to get married, and when you reluctantly didn’t give him the answer he wanted he proceeded with his plan because ultimately you said yes. So, he is planning the wedding, coordinating the reception, paying for things, and he’s told you that all you have to do is buy a dress and show up. Who does that? Who pushes another person into doing something they don’t want to do? Who pressures someone and makes them feel obligated? Oh, yeah, your desperate-to-be-married fiancé. By the way, I agree with your other male friends. If you had told him no when he asked you to marry him, then the relationship would have been over. I know you want to save it, and you feel he is a great man whom you want to spend the rest of your life with. But, if you two are not on the same page, and you have different goals and objectives in life, then saying yes to appease someone is not going to make you happy in the long run. You will forever be a part of their plans, their goals, and their objectives. You will always be appeasing the other for the sake of not wanting to hurt their feelings. You will live to regret it sooner or later, and you will eventually begin to resent them. Ma’am, this is not going to work. If you don’t want to be married, and you are committed to not being married, then you need to tell him and stop these shenanigans. You have to be honest with him and tell him the truth. Otherwise, you are going to be miserable, angry, and depressed in your marriage because it’s something you don’t want. You are not even involved in the process. How miserable you must feel and be that he is excited about something you have no desire or excitement around. You are not even helping to plan your own wedding. I am sure that when the day approaches you are going to get even more miserable, angry, and depressed, and you may possibly stand him up at the altar. Address this situation now and talk with him about this serious problem you both have. You don’t listen to each other. You don’t respect one another’s wishes, thus, you don’t respect your relationship. You both have agendas and goals, but they are not the same agenda and goals. You two want different things, especially as it relates to being married. It is a big step in being married. Before you go through with this you have to know the seriousness of this major life event. You’ve already committed to two other major life events – having more children out of wedlock, and buying a home together. The deeper this gets, the worse it will be to get out of. Also, you stated that part of the reason you don’t want to get married is over something he said and him not being in love with you. He doesn’t remember it, but it apparently had a serious impact on you. Get into couples therapy and address these issues. They are underlying problems that you are not working on in your relationship. Marriage is not going to solve or fix these problems. You are going into a marriage reluctantly, unhappily, and against your wishes. Yes, it may end your relationship, but you will be happy in the long run. You won’t be doing something that you don’t want to do. And, he will continue to be a great father to his children, and be a vital part of their lives. But, it just won’t be with you and he together. And, do not stay with a man for the sake of the children. You mentioned your eldest daughter loves him and adores him. Thus, it leads me to believe that you are marrying him for the sake of your children. Bad move. Don’t do it for the children. Do it for you. Besides, there are plenty of men out there who are not interested in being married, and would love to be a father to your children. You don’t have to settle and you don’t have to do something you don’t want to do in order to keep a man. He sounds great, and he appears to be genuine, but if you are not listening to one another, respecting each other’s wishes, and working together toward the same goals, then this will not work and you will end up regretting your decision later. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:   @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop  (Atria    Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE!      

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Dear Bossip: I Don’t Want To Get Married, But He’s Planning A Wedding

Dear Bossip: He’s Separated From His Wife, But He’s Been Distant With Me

Dear Bossip , I am in a 9 month relationship with a separated man.  They have been separated over 2 years. His wife is dating his best friend.  My man has become more distant in the past couple of weeks saying he is busy and tired. I told him a couple weeks ago that I didn’t know if it was going to work because he is still married and I don’t feel like we can go anywhere because of the marriage. He said he loved me and I mean the world to him, and I’m his glue. He said that he did need to move on with his life and that he did need to -ish or get off the pot. I love him, but ever since I said I didn’t know if it was going to work because he’s still married it’s like he has distanced himself from me. I used to hear from him a couple times a day at least, but now I will wait a day and then call him because he isn’t initiating contact.  He still says he loves me and misses me when we talk. What is going on? – Waiting On Him Dear Ms. Waiting On Him , You are not in a relationship. He is still married. Despite being separated from his wife for 2 years, he is still a married man. Therefore, you don’t have a relationship. You are sleeping with a married man. He is grieving the fact that his wife is dating his best friend. Trust me, he is not well emotionally or mentally. He is just going through the motions in his life. He discovers that his wife is dating his best friend, and you think he’s ready to be move on and be in another relationship? Sorry, but he’s not. I’m sure, no, I’m positive that he is hurting. His is sad, angry, mad, and depressed. Two people he trusted and loved are in a relationship with each other. He is living with the thought and idea on a day-to-day basis that his wife and best friend are laid up, living life, and planning a life without him. He is not okay. And, you’re absolutely right that it is not going to work between you and he because he is still married, probably still in love with his wife, and as a result you and he are not going to move forward or have anything serious. The fact that they have been separated for 2 years tells me that he is holding out and waiting for her to return. Don’t you find it odd that in 2 years he has not divorced his wife? His wife is sleeping with his best friend, and he hasn’t divorced her. Hmmm, wake up ma’am. Stop waiting on him, chasing after him, and stop forcing him to be with you. He does not want you. You are something to do in the meantime. You are someone to pass the time with. His body needs physical attention, but his mind and his emotions are with someone else – his wife. You feel he’s distancing himself from you and not reaching out or maintaining contact. Well, trust your intuition. If he is pulling away after you gave him an ultimatum it’s because he is pulling away. You were his glue because he probably had no one else he could talk with about his wife and his best friend. You were a shoulder to lean on, and someone to lay in bed with and vent. You were not someone he was serious about, but someone who happened to give him an ear when he needed someone to listen to him. I mean come on, honey, the man told you that he knows he should move on, but, hell, it’s been 2 years! He’s still harping about his wife and best friend after 2 years? He’s not ready to be with someone else. He’s still in love with his wife. He’s still waiting on her to return. You are only a distraction for a few minutes, hours, or days. But, he goes home and is reminded of his wife each time he is alone. He is reminded of his best friend when he wants to pick up the phone and go chill, watch the game, or simply to hang out. He is grieving. You need to move on. Find a man who is single, and one who is not pinning or still in love with an ex. This man is not for you. Wish him well and let him go. You are chasing after someone who doesn’t want to be held or in a relationship, well, not in a relationship with you. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:   @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop  (Atria    Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE!      

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Dear Bossip: He’s Separated From His Wife, But He’s Been Distant With Me

Cops And Fans Clash In Melee Outside Summer Jam Concert

Fans Without Tickets Rushed Met Life Stadium Gates; State Police Used Tear Gas To Control Them A popular hip-hop concert ended in a near riot when fans without tickets bum-rushed the gates surrounding the venue to get in. New Jersey State Police used tear gas to subdue several hundred unruly fans Sunday evening who tried to scale a 10-foot high fence to enter H ot 97’s Summer Jam concert at the MetLife Stadium. While the likes of Big Sean, Chris Brown and Future jammed with more than 80,000 people at the sold out concert, fans – some of whom had been drinking and smoking in the parking lot all afternoon – became irate that they weren’t able to enter the stadium. They began scaling a high fence and forcing their way past security guards. State Police in riot gear and armored vehicles soon swarmed the outside of the stadium, pushing the fans back and throwing tear gas to subdue the crowd. State Police spokesman Lt. Brian Polite told BOSSIP that the department was still tallying the number of arrests. The fans, in turn, began throwing glass bottles at the phalanx of officers standing behind the gates. “They started turning over the garbage cans and taking out bottles, and throwing them at police,” one witness told BOSSIP. Several witnessers told BOSSIP they saw angry fans hurl glass bottles at the cops. MetLife Stadium employees also told BOSSIP that one fan picked up a table and hurled it at a state trooper. “Somebody picked up a table and was arguing with the police and hit the officer in the neck,” the employee, who didn’t want to be named for fear of losing his job, told BOSSIP. “Then, all of a sudden, the police came from everywhere.” Fans inside the concert were largely oblivious to the melee outside. In a statement posted to Facebook, the New Jersey State Police said they deployed officers after unruly fans tried to force their way into Summer Jam. “This evening, security personnel at one of the entrance gates to MetLife Stadium were confronted by crowds attempting to illegally enter the sold out Summer Jam concert by climbing over fences and forcing their way through security personnel,” the police statement read. “The gates have been shut and troopers on site have called for assistance from several nearby stations to help maintain order.” Hot 97 said in a statement that a “small number of people created an unsafe environment,” forcing police to bar further entry to the one night only show, which is billed as one of the biggest concerts in hip hop. The Manhattan-based radio station said that ticket holders who couldn’t get in would be given a full refund. “When fans realized tickets were not available at the box office, a small number of people created an unsafe environment, and for the safety of all guests, the New Jersey State Police were on scene to disperse the crowd,” Hot 97 said on it’s website. “The gates were closed at that time. No further entry was permitted into the event.” Nimi Hendrix/Instagram

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Cops And Fans Clash In Melee Outside Summer Jam Concert

Dear Bossip: He Doesn’t Want Kids & He Proposed To Me, Yet I Want Children

Dear Bossip , I am 26 years old and I have been in a serious relationship with my now fiancé for almost 3 years. He is 40 years old, and has two kids (11 & 16) from a previous marriage. When we first met he was very upfront about not wanting anymore kids or to even be married again. I was fresh out of a long-term relationship so marriage and kids were the last things on my mind, and I wasn’t even sure at that point if I ever wanted kids. Well, fast forward a few years and we have since moved in together and he has done something he once said he’d never do – he proposed to me! He has proven to be a great man to me; he is faithful, God-fearing, hard-working and smart. The problem is that I have realized in the past few years that having at least one child is very important to me and that I can’t see living life without becoming a mom. Terrance, this has become a VERY touchy subject. He does not talk about it unless I initiate the conversation and he changes his mind like he changes underwear! One day he will say, “Yes,” when I ask him if we could possibly try for a baby. Then, the next day it’s “Hell, no!”  This is the ONLY thing we fight about. We have had some really bad arguments where he’s cursed me out and told me to “Leave him the f**k alone!” about it. It has left me feeling hurt, upset, unwanted, and as if my wants/feelings don’t matter. He says that he wants us to “enjoy each other, travel, and spend money,” and he feels that living a financially comfortable life with him should be enough to make me happy. I was recently more upfront with him about my feelings and the fact that I want a child (with or without him). He made me feel stupid by saying, “What? Are you going to leave me and have a baby by the first man you meet?” Obviously this isn’t the case, but it had me second guessing myself, like, is what I want really possible? So, long story short, I can’t see myself marrying him if he is firm on not having any more children. I’m at the point where I am willing to walk away from this relationship so I can find a man who is willing to raise a family with me, but I am also terrified of the idea of leaving him. I know I will resent him in the future if I give up having a baby for him and he will probably resent me if he agrees to have one with me just to make me stay. So, it’s lose-lose.  How do I initiate this breakup and do you think I’m crazy for wanting to leave? I’m so torn and it’s starting to take a toll. Any advice is appreciated. – Want To Have Children Dear Ms. Want To Have Children , Well, it appears you have already made up your mind and you want me to co-sign it for you. You stated in your letter “I can’t see myself marrying him if he is firm on not having any more children. I’m at the point where I am willing to walk away from this relationship so I can find a man who is willing to raise a family with me.” And, if he’s told you from the beginning that he doesn’t want to have children, and you keep asking him and he tells you no, and to leave him alone, then I’m sure he’s certain about not having any children. Therefore, you know what you should do, but as you stated you are afraid of leaving him because of the comforts he provides for you. Also, you’re uncertain because though he said he would never get married again, surprise, surprise, he proposed. Now, you’re confused because he proposed to you, so, you figure that if you wait then he will eventually change his mind about having a child. It’s obvious that you two are not on the same page. You want children. He wants to be financially secure to travel and do things. He wants money. He already has children, and is presently dealing with a pre-teen and a teenager. And, I’m sure he is paying child support. Thus, it leads me to believe that he is fearful of two things – 1.) Getting married again and what if it doesn’t work out. He’s been married before, and now he’s in 40s. He can be scared about the prospects that if this doesn’t work, and you have children, and he gets another divorce, then, he will be stuck paying alimony and child support for the rest of his life. So, he will never get the chance to save money, travel, and spend like he wants. Which also, and probably, explains why you two live together. It cuts down on the costs of living separately, and he is paying child support. Your combined incomes help tremendously. Besides, him being in his 40s, he is thinking of his future and retirement, which I’m sure he hasn’t been able to really save as he’d like. Thinking of his future, his children will be old enough where he doesn’t have to pay child support, and he can finally travel and spend like he wants. Having another child will severely affect his retirement, and he may not want to take that gamble. 2.) He has children. As I stated previously, one is a pre-teen, 11, and another is a teenager, 16. They are growing. They have medical expenses, school costs, clothes, activities, and other expenses including child support which are probably eating up his costs/money. So, for him, having another baby is expensive, and he will have to go through those early baby years again. And, he may be freaked out about having another child. Also, he knows that if you want one, there is the possibility you will want another. Now, since you two are not on the same page, it is important that you discuss this together, and get to the real root of what is freaking him out about his definitive resistance on not having any more children. Otherwise, this will always be the underlying issue of your relationship, arguments, and eventually you will leave. But, I am concerned that you stated he makes you feel hurt, upset, unwanted, stupid, and as if your needs and feelings doesn’t matter when it comes to the issue of discussing having a child. If you’ve expressed this to him, and he continues to make you feel like this, then, why do you remain in this relationship? No one should hurt you, make you feel unwanted, and or to feel stupid and as if your needs and feelings do not matter. You’re human. You’re his fiancé. He should make sure you have and get what you want. Why berate you and curse at you because you are interested in having a child, and want to discuss it with him? Now, if he’s tired of discussing it, and, if he feels he’s made himself adamantly clear about it, but you keep bringing it up, then, perhaps it’s time to drop it, and start deciding on what you want to do, if even leaving the relationship. Also, the fact that he doesn’t want to have any more children, and he’s been married previously, yet, you’ve never been married and don’t have any children, but he proposed to you, however, he expects you to be a stepmother to his children. That is a double-edge sword and it’s unfair. He wants you to inherit his baggage, and take all that comes with him, including his children, but he is not willing to accommodate you. Notice that you’re a woman with no children, so, he is not inheriting any children, or extra mouths to feed and clothe, only your extended family. So, is and was that intentional by design? Did he purposely seek you out and date you because of this, and was that the first thing he asked you in the beginning of your relationship? Also, what would have happened if you did have children? Would he still be with you, or have asked you to marry him? Who knows! But, what if he meets another woman who has children, then, is he willing to take on her children? I strongly recommend pre-marital counseling. It will help you resolve this issue. I’m sure a counselor will tell you that you two are not on the same page, and if he continues and persists about not having any more children, and, he discloses his real reasons for not wanting any more, then, you have to do what is best for you. Money cannot buy happiness. Money cannot replace the feeling of motherhood. Money cannot compensate for having a child. If that is his goal, and it’s not a goal of yours, and a child is what you desire, and it is not what he wants, a marriage will not fix it, but only make it worse. You will be miserable, and unhappy, and eventually you will resent him, and ultimately end up in divorce. Think this through thoroughly. I know it’s scary to leave and start over, but it will not be the end of the world. You will meet a man who is single, never been married, nor has any children and he will want a family with you. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:   @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop  (Atria    Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE!      

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Dear Bossip: He Doesn’t Want Kids & He Proposed To Me, Yet I Want Children

Dear Bossip: I Was Cheating & Now The Other Guy Is Trying To Kill Me

Dear Bossip , I’ve been cheating on my boyfriend for the last 6 years with a man who’s 20 years older than me, and he’s my sugar daddy. I’m 27 years old and my boyfriend is 31 years old. We have 4 kids together – 12, 9, 8 and 6 years old. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 13 years. We met when I was 14 years old and he was 18 years old. I lied about my age and he ended up getting in trouble because my mom called the cops once she found out I was pregnant. He ended up getting probation and now has to be on the sex offender registry for 20 years. He moved across country with his dad and I ended up dropping out of high school and running away a couple years after that to be with him. Our life has been nothing but hell. He beats me, spits on me, threw my down the stairs while I was pregnant with our 3 rd child, and he blames me for his life’s failures. It got worse when he lost his job 8 years ago. He began to drink. He’s nothing but a lazy bum who sits on his ass all day and smokes weed and sells dope. Sometimes I hate him, but then I realize I love him. I had to pick up the slack and start stripping to keep food on the table. He got arrested and sentenced to 3 years when my youngest child was 2 months old. My girl at the club told me how she has sex with older men for money and since I was struggling she hooked me up with “Mark.” Mark has been married for 20 years and has 6 grown kids. He told me he wanted sex in exchange for cash and gifts, but I had to be discreet. I told him, “Hell, yes,” and that began our affair. During the first 3 years I got pregnant 4 times. He doesn’t like using condoms. So, I had 4 abortions upon his request and he paid me $5,000 all 4 times for my troubles. I didn’t mind because I didn’t want any more kids anyways. Besides, how the hell was I going to explain 4 kids to my boyfriend? LOL! I also got 2 STDs, but to be honest I don’t know if he gave it to me or not because I also was messing around with 3 other guys for money. But, he paid me $1,000 both times for my “troubles.” He’s bought me a car and a 4 bedroom house and told me to stop stripping. My boyfriend ended up getting out of prison after 3 years, but I continued my affair with Mark. Things started to get crazy and Mark started confessing his love for me. He would show up at my house uninvited when my boyfriend was home. Mark threatened to tell him the truth. I told him I would tell his wife, but he said he didn’t care because he loved me and he was leaving her for me. He said now that my boyfriend is out of jail then me and him “only” could leave and get away and start a life in NOLA. I felt that I loved him and I agreed. He didn’t want me to take my kids because he didn’t want to deal with the burden. I told my boyfriend that I couldn’t take the stress anymore, so I left to New Orleans with Mark. I didn’t 3 months until I returned home. I felt guilty and I realized I loved my boyfriend and kids more than Mark and his money. I think my mind was twisted with all the drugs I was using during that time. I don’t know, but I was petty to do that to my kids. My boyfriend ended up taking me back with open arms, probably because raising 4 kids is hard. LOL! I also found out that my boyfriend got a job, so I know that I wanted to be with him and things are looking up. Plus, he finally stopped hitting me. So, right there proves he’s changed and he loves me again. I cut Mark off, but he wasn’t happy and began to stalk me. He would wait in front of my house, at my kid’s school, and at grocery stores. One time he ran up to me and punched me in my eye. I told my boyfriend I ran into a door. He would call and hang up. Like, I don’t understand this man. He’s absolutely loony. He’s not acting like a 47 year old CEO. He texted me one day saying that he would leave me alone if I did a porn tape with him and his 4 friends for $15,000. I reluctantly agreed because I just wanted this fool out of my life. When I got to his hotel he pulled a gun out on me and threatened to kill me. Then, for 6 hours he tormented and beat me. I went to a friend’s house for 5 days because how was I supposed to explain the bruises to my boyfriend or cops. He still won’t leave me alone after a year. I’m scared he could kill me or my family. Why doesn’t he understand I don’t love him and all I loved was his money? I want my family and I’m happy. I just found out that me and my boyfriend are expecting out 5 th child. So, he needs to butt out and go back to his wife or find somebody else. I even told him I would help him find another girl, but he said no. What did I do to deserve this? I made mistakes in life but damn. What should I do? – Ms. Crazy Life Dear Ms. Crazy Life , Chile, this story got me pouring vodka in my coffee! If my nerves are bad, then I know your nerves are shook! Who lives this type of life? Who goes through all of this and feels this is what life is about? The amount of damage and harm you’ve done to your mind and body is beyond comprehending. Ma’am, you’ve had four abortions, and two STDs. That is a huge toll on your body, and I haven’t included the mental and emotional stress you are adding to your body. Then, you are in an abusive relationship with your boyfriend. You have four children you have to take care of and provide for. Thus, you started stripping to feed your family because your boyfriend didn’t have a job.  And, then you engage in a sexual relationship with one of the customers in order to make more easy money, but your relationship with him turned volatile. I need more vodka. Your life is a big huge mess. It is one drama after another. You ran away from home after you got pregnant at 14 years old by your 18 year old boyfriend. Your mother did the right thing in telling the authorities. Thus, he was put on a sex offender registry, but because you were too fast and too damn grown, you felt you knew better than your mother, and you left home to be with him. Now, after 13 years  you reflect back over your life. I bet hindsight is your friend now. All of your actions, and all of your decisions are based on your inept ability to make rationale choices for the betterment of your life, or your children’s lives. Notice this is a pattern which began at 14 years of age. You lied to your 18 year old boyfriend, and as a result it sent your life into a tailspin. You made the choice of an immature teenager, and you still continue to make immature teenage choices. It’s obvious you have poor decision-making skills, and you clearly do not know how to effectively think things through before acting on them. Thus, it explains your choice to run away from home at 14, and then produce several children out of wedlock. It explains your hasty decision to become a stripper to make fast money instead of getting a job, and going back to school to better yourself. Then, to make even more fast money you feel it is okay to prostitute yourself to a man 20 years your senior. The relationship with Mark, like the relationship with your boyfriend, has proven to be toxic, dangerous, and volatile. Mark will not leave you alone because you and he had an arrangement. You had an agreement of services to provide, and you continued to do so at the cost of the damage to your body. He didn’t care about you, nor did he or does he love you. He wants to control you, and he is doing it with money and other material things. You are the lost 14 year little girl still trying to find her way, and you have predator men who see the damaged little girl trapped in a grown woman’s body. The fact that you were able to up and leave your children for 3 months and go to another state proves you are mentally and emotionally underdeveloped. You left your children because money was more important to you. You left your children because you felt you would have a better life with a man who cared nothing about you, but to control you. Notice that you did the very same thing you did when you were 14 years old, you ran away. You haven’t changed. You are still that little girl. Running and trying to find herself, and running to men to be saved. You need intense counseling and psychological care. You do not need to be in a relationship, but, instead you need to be working on yourself and working to save your children from the potential mental and emotional damage you have passed on to them. The cycle will repeat with your children if you do not begin the process of healing, and working on your own potential psychological issues. Your boyfriend is an abuser. Though, he may have a job now, and things may seem to be okay in the home, it does not exclude him from the abuse he’s done to you. He’s still an abuser. Things are good now. But, not for long. He will return to the same behavior because he still blames you for his life’s failures, and everything else that has prevented him from the life he feels he deserve. You are the catalyst and blame for it, and he will continue to beat you, and mistreat you. Get out of this relationship. It’s not healthy, and it’s toxic. You are both co-dependent on each other, and because he’s all you know, and you’re all that he knows you remain because you’re both hurt and damaged and feel no one else will want you. In regards to Mark, you have to tell someone. I recommend telling the police. You have to get this man out of your life, or else he will kill you. You need to get a restraining order, and you need to call the police every time this man shows up at your home, or wherever you are. He is doing this because he knows you’re afraid, and he is intimidating you. Though, you have been in a 6 year consensual relationship, and you have benefitted from it financially, it will be hard to prove in court or with the police. Therefore, you have to keep a record, and journal of his stalking, texts, emails, or other forms of communication.  Document all his threats. I’m sure you have photos of yourself on your cell phone when he beat you. Save them and use them. You have to tell your boyfriend what is going on, and you have to also tell a good friend. The more people you tell, and you let them know how afraid you are, the more witnesses you have created to help your story. So, this means you have to start being honest. You have to be honest with yourself, and your boyfriend. You’ve been lying to him, and part of your toxic relationship is due to your behavior and what you’ve done in this relationship. You are partially to blame, and you have to own up to your part of this. You’re pregnant with your fifth child, and at some point you’re going to have to start living a life of an adult and not some little girl. It’s time to grow up, be honest, and start telling the truth. You have to build strong support systems and surround yourself with positive people. And, you have to be willing to want to change. Know it’s going to take some time, and it will not happen overnight. You’ve been doing what you’ve been doing for 13 years, so it is a hard habit to break. But, you have to or else you will continue to repeat these patterns in your life. Your children will grow up and repeat these patterns as well. If you don’t make any significant changes in your life, and get out of these toxic relationship, even the toxic relationship you have with yourself, then you will destroy yourself, and your children. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:   @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop  (Atria    Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE!     

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Dear Bossip: I Was Cheating & Now The Other Guy Is Trying To Kill Me