Dear Bossip , My husband is self-employed. His income is irregular. The bizarre thing is that whenever there is a birthday, holiday or event, he suddenly doesn’t have money. For three Christmas in a row I have paid for presents so that the kids won’t be disappointed. He promises high and low that money will come into his account, but at the last moment the creditors let him down. In the past 17 years I have stood by his side rejoicing when a little bit of money comes into his account. Then, we are happy. But, most of the time there is a lot of resentment. I’m continuously improving myself. I have a Ph.D. I manage hundreds of people at work. My husband is a good father to our children. He’s a sensitive man, but I want someone to take care of me. I’m so tired of working and paying all the household bills. I even gave him some of the bills so he could take some responsibility. He failed to pay some and I had to step in as we were getting emails from those he owed. He never pays traffic fines either. Thankfully I’ve left him with those. I think they’re now in the two thousands, i.e., lots. Please advise me I don’t want a divorce, but I’m drained. – Financially Burdened Dear Ms. Financially Burdened , Your husband is going to keep draining you until there is nothing left, and you are depleted of everything including your sanity, health, well-being, mentality, emotional well-being, and your finances. Stay if you want too, but you won’t have anything to give if you keep allowing this to take place. This is destructive to you, your family, and your marriage. And, your husband doesn’t seem to care. But, ma’am, seriously, you’ve put up with this for 17 years, and now you want to complain and make your husband accountable for his financial irresponsibility? You’ve allowed this to take place for close to two decades. You’ve taken care of him all this time, and for this long without any repercussions, and now you’re tired? He hasn’t contributed financially to anything for 17 years, and you are complaining? Ma’am, all these years you have held on to resentment, bitterness, anger, disappointment, and regret and lived with it, and now you want him to change. Why would he? Why would he make any effort to do better, be better, or take care of you and his finances when you’ve done it for so long? He is living high off the hog. He is being taken care of, and you’ve allowed it, so why would he stop it? And, please tell me what grown man will sit up in the home and let his wife take care of everything for nearly two decades, and feel okay about it? And, please tell me how he is a good father to your children? He can’t even take care of them financially. He is unable to support them. He can’t feed them. He can’t clothe them. He can’t put a roof over their heads. He can’t cover medical bills and expenses. He can’t keep the lights on. He can’t pay for their school fees, books, or anything they need for their education. He doesn’t buy gifts for holidays, especially on Christmas. Then, he can’t take you out, buy you things, treat you to a vacation, or even get you or your kids anything for your birthdays, or holidays. Girl, he can’t event take care of himself. So, how is he a good father? If something were to happen to you and you couldn’t work, then what will happen? I’m sure you and your husband don’t even have enough money to last you a good six months in case of an emergency. And, if you do, I’m sure it’s the money you’ve saved. He hasn’t and can’t contribute to the emergency fund. So, please explain to me how is he a good father, husband, caretaker, and provider? He will have you all homeless and living on the streets talking about he’s waiting for one of his vendors to send the check. SMDH! You are taking care of a grown man. Basically, you have another child you are taking care of and providing for. Now, if you don’t mind being the breadwinner, and sole provider of the family, then, you and your husband need to discuss who makes the decisions in regards to your household. He can’t dictate and run things if he isn’t providing and supporting the family. Your husband is a liability. He is keeping you in the “red” and I’m sure his debt that he accrues is your debt as well. All those bills he is negligent and doesn’t pay will fall on you to pay. Sweetie, your husband can’t even pay his traffic fines which range in the thousands. He will come begging you for the money, or expect you to pay it. Watch what happens when he is stopped by the police, or his car gets towed. He is going to expect you to bail him out. SMDH! There are two reasons why many people get divorced – 1.) sex; and 2.) money problems. Based on what you have shared and your issues with your husband, I am sure your money problems are affecting your sex life. How can you sleep with and lay down with a man who is broke, has nothing to give or to support you or your family with? I’m sure you don’t find him attractive. I’m sure you are disgusted by him, and his inability to take care of you. If he is financially inept, then I’m sure he is mentally, emotionally, and physically inept. You say you don’t want a divorce, well, you better get into marriage counseling, and find a financial adviser for your husband to visit and get real about your finances. He may not be aware of how his financial irresponsibility is affecting you and your marriage. He is probably clueless, but I doubt it. I gather he is content with the way things are, otherwise, he would do something about the situation, and he would get a job that has a steady check, and one that is able to provide and support his family. Thus, marriage counseling will get to the root of his problems, such as why he feels this is okay to happen for as long as it has. Why he doesn’t contribute to the household. And, he will get to hear your complaints, concerns, resentment, bitterness, and anger towards him for not being a man who takes care of his family financially. The burden is on you, and this is a heavy burden to carry for so long especially with someone who is capable and able to work. I know that I would not put up with having someone live with me for that long and who could never contribute to any of the household bills. Nope! Not in my house. You will get a job. You will have a steady pay check. You will not forget or not have money for holidays and birthdays. You better get creative. It’s time you speak up, express your resentment and anger, let it be known what this is doing to you and the household, and how you are not going to put up with it any longer. It’s either get off the pot or piss. Meaning, your husband better get himself a job with a steady paycheck, or else the marriage will be over. No more self-employment, sitting at home, and waiting on vendors to pay sporadically. GET YOURSELF A JOB AND SUPPORT YOUR FAMILY! – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? S hare your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE ! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE !
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Dear Bossip: I Am Drained & Resent My Husband Because He Is Financially Irresponsible
